I seem to only be doing updating posts lately.  I much prefer to be writing regularly but it doesn’t seem to be working out so well.

My Tenderheart Bear is still in my life and although I’m a little terrified that I could still get hurt, I’m enjoying myself.  There’s this niggling little bit that whenever he talks about a part of his life, I feel my heart stop and fear squeeze my insides.  That part of his life has the potential to end our … friendship.  Labels aren’t exactly working for us right now.  So let’s just call this a friendship and call it a day.  Anyway, it’s complicated (what’s not these days?), and while I’m having a blast, I’m not really sure where we’re going, if we’re going and when this ride will end.  I will tell you that I hope it doesn’t.  I like this guy – a lot.  I mean, I’ve liked guys before, but this one makes me feel good.  Great, actually.  Wanted, desirable.  I’ve never felt like I’ve been wanted, cared for, or as desirable as I do when I’m with him.

The whole health thing went off the rails.  Thinking about putting juicing into my diet especially since I GOT THE JUICER I WANTED for Christmas!  Honestly never thought I was going to get it.  Now I’m researching like a crazy woman for all kinds of recipes.  Also because I have a new gadget (I love gadgets!!) it will probably keep me on top of it.  Thinking that I will do my shake for breakfast and juice for the day and a regular dinner.  Might try it this week and see what I get.

That’s about all that’s going on in my life… how about yours?

Tenderheart Bear

It’s the question of the day.  If you knew you would get emotionally hurt, possible emotionally wrecked, would you go forward anyway?

For me, I’m asking myself that question.  I have been presented with a situation that I unfortunately can’t get too in-depth with.  They don’t know I write publicly and so putting this out there could hurt them.  So this person, who in my mind is Tenderheart Bear.  They are very much in touch with their emotions and they put me in touch with mine.  Anyway, they will likely hurt me, although not on purpose, but they will probably hurt me.

I am neither naive about the fact that I could be hurt, nor am I in denial but the question of the day is do I go forward?  I know that I could possibly and probably get hurt, so do I go forward?

I know I’ve given you little or no details, but have you ever been fully knowledgable about a negative future and still done it anyway?  Just in case there’s something good that could come out of it?

Last night I saw someone and ended up feeling this ‘fuck you’ feeling.  I’m partially upset because something that happened hasn’t been acknowledged by this person.  Not that I’m surprised, so I can’t say on a rational level I’m actually angry.  But on a gut level I can’t help but feel annoyed and frustrated.  I feel like that issue isn’t quite closed, which is driving me a bit bananas.

So, I walked away feeling like “Fuck you, I’m going to lose 70lbs and fuck you I’m going to rock my business”.  I’ve been thinking about it since yesterday and I can’t figure out where or why that feeling was there but it was, since it’s not even related to the initial reason I ended up grumpy.  And I feel it again this morning.  I’m more determined than ever to prove to myself and the world (although, is the world even questioning me?) that I can pull off whatever I set my mind to.

I feel crusty and abrasive today.  It comes from not being able to accomplish what I want in quick time.  I don’t like waiting.  I am an impatient person.  I want my business off the ground now, I want the weight gone, now.  And yet there’s so much work to do, learning to do and things I need to go through, but I want it all done now.

So, instead I’m planning and continuing to make steps and strides forward and remember that I can in fact, do all of what I set my mind to.  Because if I feel this way about getting it done, I’m imagining that instead of “fuck you” I’ll be saying “fuck ya!” when I achieve.

PS.  Sorry for the potty mouth but I actually have one in real life.  It tends to leak out.  :)

Looks like green slime but tastes like pineapple and banana - yummy!

9:30am – Ok, so I’ve drank 2 cups of coffee, 1 cup of Green Goodness and 1 cup of water.  Oh and I took all my vitamins and meds.  So far, not hungry and not really thinking about food.  No cravings.  Wonder if it’s just because I decided today was the day last night and so my body isn’t fighting or if there’s more to come later on in the day?  Positive thinking playing a role too?  Not sure, but so far I can’t complain.

11:41am – Tummy has grumbled a bit.  About 10am my tummy was looking for some food so I drank a glass of my green stuff and it settled.  Now I’m craving something to chew.  Like… nuts.  Or a rice cake.  Not so much hungry as sensation deprived!  Wouldn’t mind having a few almonds, I think.  We’ll see.  My goal is to make it until I get home from work, so cross your fingers and let’s home I do it! 1:26pm – Haven’t cracked yet.  But my cubicle mate is eating real food and it smells good.  I want.

1:55pm – This green juice looks a lot like what used to be in the diaper of this kid I babysat.  Although, it’s quite tasty.  I haven’t actually been hungry at all today, save for a few minutes around 10am.  I find this bizarre.  Do I really eat that much out of boredom or habit?  It would seem that I do.  Because if I’m not truly hungry today, just craving the eating sensation, that means that I am likely confusing hunger with sensation deprivation.  Huh.  I didn’t really see that coming.  I mean, I knew that I eat when it’s not required, you don’t get to be this size without that going on, but to this degree?  Or am I just so focused on making it work that my body is responding the way my mind wants it to?  I think that when I make it to dinner time I’ll have to decide if this is for me again.  Based on what I’m thinking and feeling right now, I’ll likely make Thursdays my fasting day.

3:45pm – I just finished the last of the Green Goddess juice.  I’m looking forward to chewing my food.  Although, I don’t generally feel hungry.  Not sure what dinner will be since I’m home alone, but I’m thinking that brown rice might be nice with some veggies.  Or a salad.  I’m thinking salad.  Chick peas, almonds, and creamy dressing.  Uh oh, can I make it home?!  Just drink my water and it will be over soon!

I ended up eating 2 whole eggs, half an avocado, 2 slices of whole wheat toast and about 2 tblsp of cheddar cheese.  Then I went out and was good, all I had was peppermint tea (surprisingly good – I’m not a tea drinker).  However, I came home and thought “hey, I’ve been so good, I’ll just have a few squares of chocolate”.  And ate 8 of them.  8 is not a few.  8 is a few times 4.  I am not a dog, rewarding myself with food is not ok. However, today I found that I just wasn’t hungry until about 10am so I sipped my morning shake.  I’m thinking I’ll probably grab a salad and chili from Wendy’s today for lunch.  But then, maybe I’ll be perfectly happy with rice cakes and almond butter and save the real meal for dinner.  I am starting to recognize hunger and that I’m not.  It was an interesting experiment to fast for 24 hours.  It wasn’t as hard as I thought and although I had no drastic upsurge of energy, nor did I have a drastic downturn either.  I think I’ll continue to fast from Wednesday night to Thursday at dinner time for awhile.  It may not happen forever, but I know I can do it, so I’ll keep the practice until I need to alter it.

And in this spirit, I’ve been pretty good this week.  For the last two days I’ve ditched gluten and I’m ALMOST sugar free.  I have a slight chocolate addiction that’s posing a bit of a problem to kick.  Mostly because there’s a big ass box of chocolate hanging out a mere 20 feet from me.

I had a little time to kill on Monday (that’s another story, but let’s just say I’m not exactly loving the whole working for a living thing lately), so I pulled out Crazy Sexy Diet by Kris Carr.  She is a cancer survivor of sorts.  She has a very rare form of cancer that she’s living with and managing through her eating, exercising and of course, monitoring of it.  She originally became known for her creation of Crazy Sexy Cancer.  Now she’s on to all over health.  She’s also a raging vegan.  I am not.  At all.  Never will be.  I can get on board with eating organics most of the time, but I’ll never be vegetarian let alone vegan.  I like meat.  A lot.

I grabbed mine for my iPad Kindle app

So some highlights of the book are discussions about supplements, enemas and colonics (let’s just leave it at that, she’s rather, ahem, graphic!), fasting and a 21 day cleanse.

The supplements and vegan stuff are good to know and interesting to read.  I already take a pretty decent cocktail of supplements that I’ve done my research on.  And we know where I stand on the vegan.  Still, it’s not as though I disagree with being vegan, it’s just not for me.  And I do think that eating a meat-free meal now and then isn’t bad for you (might actually be a good idea).

I’m going to skip over the enemas and colonics discussion.  If you’re that interested in reading about it, pick up the book.  Ms. Carr has a number of pages dedicated to talking about it.  And frankly, I’d rather not!

But then we get to the fasting.  So I originally read this and thought “umm, nothing but liquid greens for 24 hours?  PASS!”  But then I got a little further into her discussion about it.  And then I decided to do some actual research.  The most useful piece of information came from Precision Nutrition.  This dude experimented with intermittent fasting on himself.  His conclusion?  Not bad for you, not better for you.  Just another way to do things.  I actually couldn’t find anything that said it was bad when done for short periods of time (usually defined as 36 hours or less).

Soooo… Tomorrow I will be drinking bottles of green stuff, eating veggies and hoping I survive for my 24 hours.  If I don’t, I’m not going to call it quits.  I’ll simply move on.  Now the question you’re really asking… Why the hell am I giving up food?

Dead honest truth has a few parts.  The first and foremost is that I want to lose weight and as the pic above says, 70% of it is done in the kitchen.  So I need to get my act together when it comes to stuffing my face.  I need to put down the chocolate and put in a carrot or two.  I also have a very strange relationship to food.  I often think I’m hungry, but I’m actually usually bored, or sad, or happy or anything but hungry.  My body and I are mixed up on hunger signals.  I’m hoping that by fasting I can get back in touch with that aspect.  Then there’s the spiritual side.  Ok, bear with me.  Fasting was usually done for religious/spiritual reasons and maybe I can bring a little bit of that into my life.

Intermittent fasting is not a get thin quick scheme.  It actually only brings down your calorie count a small bit for the whole week, but because of my desire to ‘reset’ my body and spiritual side, this has some potential.  Assuming I can make it through until 6pm tomorrow night.

I have to do something drastic.  I’m on my way back up the scale, and let me just tell you – that sucks on an epic level.  I have worked hard and I will be damned if I’m going to give it all up without a fight!  These two pics are my dream bodies!  So hard work, and a few hunger pains and some healthy, normal eating are going to be worth it!

Image by Ambrozjo

Single Status Update

The Cowboy is over with.  This post is the end of my thoughts of him, not that I’ve spent all that much time since Saturday.  But this is my final post about it.  Sure, sad to see him go, he’s sweet and nice and funny and a total gentleman and I love a guy on a tractor.  But in the end, I want a relationship and he didn’t.  So we’re not going to work until one of us changes.  Maybe somewhere in the future we’ll meet up again but I’m not going to bother stressing about it.  I’ve also decided that I was against the whole online dating thing before and I still am (clarification: I’m not against it in general, I’ve done it a few times, on a few sites and it’s not for me at this point in my life.  Maybe I’ll change my mind in the future!).  So I will quit the active search for Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now, focus on living my life.  Somewhere out there is The Guy I Should Be With.  I need to simply be open to possibilities, opportunities and keep on truckin’.

Sugar Addiction & Weight Loss Update

On to this getting rid of sugar from my diet business.  Well, I haven’t.  I’ve made strides in that direction.  Of course, I back pedaled a bit, but then I went forward a bit.  All in all, not exactly a crowning accomplishment, but I’m working on it.  I will say this, I’m trying not to be vocal about my plans.  Ok, I’m putting this out on a pubic blog where anyone, anytime can access it.  So saying I’m not being vocal about it is a little silly sounding.  Except – well, I’m not TALKING about it.  So you might be part of my offline life and read this and know that I’m doing it, but because I’m not constantly talking about it, it’s not so in-your-face.

Why am I not talking about it?  Well, occasionally I say I’m going to do this and I fail.  And I hate to fail publicly.  I have done it and occasionally it’s good for the ego, but this time, I don’t want to.  I want to document my struggles, challenges and hopefully significant successes.  But I feel like I want to keep this quiet.  I just simply want to share my challenges, revelations and successes with you as I go.

The Biz

So, I may have found a second avenue to sell my product through.  I’m pretty excited!  I still need insurance, so there’s no cooking until that’s been dealt with, but I am testing my products at home.  Let’s just say it’s going to be a tasty Christmas for my friends!  So needless to say, I’m quite pleased with how this could turn out!

I’m hoping, of course, that I can make my Great Escape from the working world sooner rather than later, but the truth is, I’d be dead excited if someone bought my product!

I’m on a search for a mantra, in my search I’ve come across these beautiful words.  Each speaks to a different part of me.  I hope you will find some personal meaning in one or more of them!

Well, it was made official today.  He doesn’t think it’s going to work.  And he’s sorry.  Me too.  The Cowboy is a good guy.  I’m not angry, but I am hurt.  I wanted it to work.  I hoped he’d ditch The Chickie and realize that I am amazing and that I’m the one he should be with.  And he may yet, let’s be honest, there’s a lot more life to live.  I’m not going to hold my breath but I suppose anything could happen.

I don’t know why it’s going to work, maybe it’s the other girl, maybe it’s that I want a relationship and he doesn’t.  Maybe he’s just not feeling it.  Maybe he’s just not that interested in me.  Who knows.  I didn’t ask.  JP thought I should, but it doesn’t really matter to me.  In the end it’s the same result… I won’t be seeing him anymore.

Of course my first reaction was to call SP and say that I’m never going to be liked again, there’s no one else in this world for me.  It’s unlikely to be true.  And The Cowboy wasn’t the first guy to be interested in me, he’s just the first one I wanted to pursue something with.

I’ll say this though, I’ve really been back in touch with my country side and that may have something to do with The Cowboy.  I guess he should get credit for not just being honest and a gentleman but for putting me facing the right direction.

So long Cowboy.  It was a short but good run.  You’re gonna miss out on having a helluva woman in your life, but you’ll figure that out pretty soon.  ;-)  Of that I’m sure.

Today I officially purchased my business name: Country Girl Cooks.  Scary, exciting, amazing and so cool!  This means I have to do this.  I mean, I WANT to, but now I HAVE to.  I owe it to myself to try hard to make this a go.  And I so want it.

I’m disillusioned with my job.  Have been for some time now.  I don’t hate my job in human resources.  In fact, I still love HR and what the potential is for it in a company.  However, I’m not progressing at a rate that makes me happy.  And so, rather than continue to frustrate myself and possibly do a bad job, it’s time for me to ignite the spark as far as my career is concerned.  And to do that, I think I need to get out of it and find something new to do.

Despite this very exciting news, I’m having an off day.  Feeling down about The Cowboy.  Wondering if I’ll ever hear from him again since I’ve decided that I’m not initiating contact anymore.  Do you know how hard that is for someone like me?  I’m a talker.  A friendly person.  Someone who likes to maintain contact with people.  I want to know that I’m liked, special, wanted.  I’m not the only one he’s dating (although the only one I’m seeing) and it’s killing me to not know who she is.  Not that it would change much because I’d be constantly comparing myself but now I wonder if she hears from him more than me, what do they do together… you can see how this spins out of control.  Mostly I can stand the fact that he’s seeing her, but he needs to show that he’s interested in me.  I need to feel special and like I’m not the only one making an effort.  I suppose I shall find out in the next week or so how that goes!

But, despite The Cowboy and all that stuff, I am a business owner.  And I couldn’t be more excited to have this project to work on and this business to create for my future!

Lately I’ve really been exploring who I am at my core.  What things ground me and speak to my soul.  I suppose Mom is having a hand in it, The Cowboy is definitely remind me of my country roots each time I see him.  One of the things that I really am finding that is me is my baking/cooking.  Cooking for me feeds my soul, it nourishes me to cook and feed others.  Which is why I’m seriously thinking that I want to start-up a new business using my country sensibilities and my love of food.

I have a long way to go before I’m ready to go, but ideally by Spring of 2012 I’ll be ready to go.  I’m very much wanting to be my own boss and I really want to get back to my roots.  My love of canning comes from 30 years of canning tomatoes, pasta sauce, green relish and occasionally pickles.  Many years have been spent in the kitchen with my mom.  I also know when I am in the kitchen, she’s right with me.

My dream is to open a small little store where people can buy my sauces, jams, jellies and meals and then get some prepared foods to eat or take away for breakfast or lunches.  Nothing fancy, rather, food like mom used to make!  Something about this just makes me feel good, nurturing, cozy and in control of my own future!

Actions and Reactions

What is it from your past that makes you feel that warm fuzzy?