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The Need to Control

I frequently have this need to hold on tight to things.  It’s a control thing for me.  When I have strong feelings or feel heavily invested in something, I tend to try and control the outcome as much as humanly possible.  I talk and obsess about it as though that will change the outcome.  I change my behaviour and try to figure out ways to alter the outcome.

Most times, I control it so much, that I strangle it.  I put all my efforts into making the outcome what I want it to be that I end up screwing it up.  And I don’t take the time to enjoy the anticipation or the happiness in just sitting with a feeling.  I don’t enjoy the possibilities of the situation.  Instead, I let my control freak come out of hiding and allow her to take over and scare away people and push them around to try and fit what I think should be happening.

Learning to Deal

I find though that when I sit with my emotions, I can really pay attention to what’s catching me – why I need to exert some control.  I often have to take a few deep breaths and understand what it is that I fear about the unknown of a situation.

Right now I’m sitting with some emotions that I am resistant to.  Right now I really want to take control of the situation and just do something about it.  But the more and longer I sit with the reason for this, the more I understand that it’s my fear of rejection that’s causing this need to just take over.  I somehow feel that if I could take over, could do something about it, I would get my answer sooner, get it dealt with and move on.

Instead, what I’ll do is takeover, push too hard, push them away and thus be vindicated when I am rejected.  In actual fact, I will have cause the rejection because of my more-than-a-little scariness.  It’s affirming what I already believe to be true – that I am not worth someone’s time.

Sitting With the Fear

I sit here turning over this need to act, to influence and push the situation.  I’m turning it over like a rock in my hand.  Examining it from all sides – feeling, thinking and pondering it.  Right now I feel uneasy, vulnerable and worried.  The stone of emotions feels bumpy and lumpy, not the usual smooth feel of stones.  Each little bump seems to represent a fear – rejection, hurt, embarrassment, humiliation.  As I run a finger over each fear, I remind myself that my fears are not yet based in my current reality.  They are based on years ago when I was a scared, unconfident kid.

The other thing I sit here doing is preparing myself in the event that I am rejected.  If I am, what does that really say about me?  Does it say that I am a horrible person?  No.  Does it mean that I should never put myself on the line again?  No.  Does it feel like the answers to those questions are yes?  Yes.  But again, if I’m going to be rational about this, rejection is part of life.  It’s what you do with it that counts.  And how much you do with it.  I shall continue to quietly reflect here on my deck, where it is safe to feel and explore my fears.

Actions and Reactions

Do you experience the need to control what you fear?  What do you do to cope with that need?